Let’s *Please* Not Allow the Armie Hammer Comeback to Happen
Plus, Caroline Calloway's landlord responds to her creative counterclaims.
A rumor recently swirled around the internet that disgraced leading-man wannabe, Armie Hammer, was working as a hotel concierge in the Cayman Islands.
It was “debunked.”
BUT!!!!!
It’s since been revealed that Hammer is, in fact, working a day job in the Cayman Islands’ tourism industry, not as a hotel concierge—but as a timeshare salesman.
As if timeshares aren’t predatory enough.
In case you need a refresher, Hammer had a spectacular fall from mediocre acting in supporting roles “grace” in January 2021 when multiple women came forward with stories of his abuse—and claims of a disturbing cannibalism fetish—on Hammer’s part. Photos were released of bruising and neck injuries. Texts were leaked indicating that Hammer “wanted to see [her] brain, bloods, organs” and that he was turned on by a Black Lives Matter protest. Shortly after the story broke, I interviewed one of Hammer’s victims, influencer Paige Lorenze, who said Hammer carved an “A” into her pelvic region with a knife, and apparently earnestly told her he wanted to hook her up with a plastic surgeon who could remove one of her ribs so Hammer could throw it on the grill. (Yes, really.)
Hammer denied the allegations and no charges have been filed, but since then, he’s been hiding out on the Cayman Islands and reportedly entered rehabilitation, staying as far away from Hollywood as possible, until recently. (One of his most recent film roles, in Death on the Nile, was filmed before the scandal, and Hammer was nearly entirely scrubbed from the promotional materials upon its release.)
This week, Robert Downey Jr. came out to say he actually paid for Hammer’s six month-long rehab stint at the Guest House, a Florida-based facility, to work through “past trauma” and a substance abuse problem. He recently left the Caymans to reportedly stay at one of Downey’s properties in Los Angeles, and Downey says he’s also providing financial assistance until Hammer is “back on his feet.”
Although Hammer comes from a prestigious oil-tycoon family (albeit with a checkered past and no shortage of scandals of their own), a source tells Vanity Fair that he’s actually “totally broke” and just trying to support his family by working a regular 9-to-5 in a “cubicle.”
Like Hammer, Downey had controversies aplenty that nearly derailed his career for good. In his case, it was a car full of crack cocaine, heroin, and loaded weaponry, and rehab stints. The Vanity Fair article alludes to the fact that Downey—after encountering near homelessness—staged a comeback no one expected, decades after he hit rock bottom. It suggests that someone completely unemployable now might be able to turn things around down the line, like Downey did. They even include a quote supporting Downey from famed antisemite and misogynist Mel Gibson.
I’m just gonna say it: Downey’s case is… a little different. He had an addiction. The only person he was victimizing, as far as I can tell, was himself. Yes, Hammer has reportedly faced substance abuse issues himself, but that doesn’t excuse the allegations of sexual violence and emotional abuse against women. Are they really comparable?
So when the PR spin tries to sell you a narrative of a changed man who deserves a second shot—Look how downtrodden he is! He’s pulling himself back up by the bootstraps!—please, do me a favor. Don’t fall for it.
Psst—remember that 2017 Buzzfeed article, “Ten Long Years of Trying to Make Armie Hammer Happen”? Make that 15.
Caroline Calloway Responded to Her Lawsuit and They Responded Back
Known pathological demon Caroline Calloway responded to her landlord’s lawsuit in glorious, sociopathic fashion. She has, very clearly, taken the liberty of turning a legal document into a creative writing exercise. (I wrote about the start of her legal saga back in March, but in case you need a refresher on this chaos: Calloway moved out of her West Village apartment without paying $40,000 of backrent she owed after not paying rent for two years. She also left the apartment completely in shambles.)
There are many delusions in the document to analyze, but one of my favorites: According to Calloway, her landlord actually owes her money, even though she went two years without paying rent. After all, she renovated the disgusting garden that was littered with, per her response, “one billion cigarette butts.” (Yes, she used this hyperbole in a legal document.) Even though no one asked her to do so, and all they wanted was her rent money.
And her landlord responded to the Counterclaims of Chaos™️ by basically telling her as much!
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