Who Told Nick Viall He's Qualified to Give Relationship Advice For a Living?
I'm so tired.
If you know me, you know that I loathe Nick Viall—four-time “star” of The Bachelor’s Cinematic Universe—more than almost anyone on the planet. I know that might sound dramatic. You may be asking, “What did this 41-year-old manchild who inexplicably got roughly 76 tattoos at the same time do to you?”
Let me explain.
Generally, I take issue with plenty of people on the internet who claim to be “dating experts” doling out presumptuous, half-baked, and uneducated advice to the masses. I’m not saying you have to be in a healthy, committed, long-term relationship in order to be an authority on the matter—but when your dating life is a constantly chaotic spectacle akin to a car crash, I’m wont to believe you’re in no place to be telling impressionable young people how to be successful in an already tenuous dating climate. It makes sense why most of the advice is downright laughable.
For instance—and this isn’t exclusive to Nick—the advice, “If he wanted to, he would!” has always rubbed me the wrong way. I’ve talked about this at length, on Twitter, my appearance on the podcast “We Met At Acme,” and elsewhere. Back when I was single and stressing over New York City f*ckboys—as one does—I asked my therapist about this phrase. She immediately denounced it, and explained why it’s a toxic way of thinking.
“How many times have you done something you didn’t want to do? Or didn’t do something you wanted to do? When you say, ‘if he wanted to, he would,’ you’re assuming the man in question is in a very particular headspace, one in which he can easily make clear-headed, decisive choices and actions.” And… she’s right! We never expect this sort of decisiveness from ourselves. Just from our love interests. Why do we always put them—ie, men, typically—on a pedestal, assuming they’ll always make the right decision? In reality, you have no idea what’s going on in their heads (and it could be the same anxieties and insecurities you’re going through, too).
I used to take that advice and internalize it. I’d let it feed my self-loathing. “If he wanted to, he would. And he’s not. So he doesn’t want me. I’m unwantable.” I would often make the decision to reach out first to show my interest. (GASP!!!! The dating experts on TikTok would hate me for that.) It turns out, I was wantable. And I never would’ve known it had I listened to the loudmouths on the internet, feeding womens’ insecurities while failing to look in the mirror at the perpetually single person looking back at them. (Looking at you, “dating influencers” who I won’t name at the moment.)
Back to Nick Viall: I find him generally infuriating, his attitude pompous, his “advice” useless, and his podcast unlistenable. This TikTok from a few months back, however, sent me over the edge.
He’s essentially insinuating that every woman is a dumb, helpless idiot for thinking a man’s manipulative or love-bomby behavior would be indicative of genuine feelings. He’s not denouncing the men, of course—in this case, ones that may take you on a whole ass vacation or share their toothbrush with you. (Ew.) It’s just: “Women are f*cking dumbasses, let’s point and laugh at them!”
Now, he’s writing a book of dating advice titled, “Don’t Text Your Ex Happy Birthday.” In a recent New York Times interview—essentially a paid-for, PR puff piece written by someone that may or may not also despise him—it’s referred to as a modern-day version of the famously misogynistic “He’s Just Not That Into You.” I would’ve been perfectly fine leaving that book (and the 41%-on-Rotten-Tomatoes movie it spawned) in the early-aughts. What did we do to deserve this? (In the same interview, Nick says he’s been compared to Ryan Reynolds many, many times—SURE, JAN!!!—and even sh*t talks Kelly Ripa by saying, “Last time I was on [Live With Ryan & Kelly], she just was pretty harsh. She wasn’t, like, terrible. She just wasn’t as warm as she would be, say, with Ryan Reynolds.”)
Well, of course, you’re not getting the Ryan Reynolds treatment, Nick.
And what’s also funny is that… Nick isn’t one to talk. At all. Why is he writing a dating-advice book? Why does he make dating-advice TikToks? Why does he host a dating-advice podcast?
The point is: There’s not a single person on earth less qualified than him to give dating advice.
And although he may have a “serious, successful” relationship now, it’s with someone 18 years his junior: a 23-year-old Insta model named Natalie Joy. (As a reminder: Nick is 41.)
Here’s a brief breakdown of his stints on The Bachelor franchise if you’re not familiar with him. (And if that’s the case, I’m envious of you.)
Nick made his debut on Andi Dorfman’s season of The Bachelorette, where he ultimately placed runner-up after making it to the final two. On that season’s “After the Final Rose,” he asked Andi why she would “make love to him” if she didn’t want to marry him in the end. The backlash was swift, and deserved.
He showed up in the middle of Kaitlyn Bristowe’s subsequent season of The Bachelorette. Slept with her before fantasy suites, which was a scandal at the time. Once again, placed runner-up.
Had a good, likable stint on Bachelor In Paradise, on which he seemed to have a good relationship with fellow castoff Jen Saviano (one that may or may not have preceded the beach). He ultimately decided to not propose or pursue her after the show. It’s been speculated that he was promised the position of The Bachelor by producers if he remained single.
Became the chunky turtleneck-donning lead on his season The Bachelor. Was more hatable and insufferable than ever. Ultimately proposed to Vanessa Grimaldi. They called off their engagement just six months after the finale aired.
It’s not a great track record. Why are we listening to him? Actually, not we, because I know that doesn’t include myself. But clearly, people are listening to him. And who the hell are these people?
It was also revealed that after Chris Harrison’s termination from his longtime post as Bachelor host—and before Jesse Palmer was named his successor—Nick Viall pitched himself to fill the role. Unsuccessfully. In the process, he trash-talked Palmer on his podcast, and said that he (aka, Nick) is uniquely qualified to host the show in a way no one else is. My eyes can’t physically role back farther in my head.
Obviously, he didn’t get the gig, and from everything I’ve gathered, Palmer appears to be doing a stellar job.
Nick and his girlfriend Natalie continue to frolic around Coachella and other influencer events, antagonize other people in Bachelor nation like ex-Bachelorette Katie Thurston, and generally be as unlikable and pretentious as possible. “I used to sell software… hahahaha” he captioned a reel of himself and
his child bride Natalie at an Oscars after-party earlier this year.
I wish you would go back to software sales, Nick, because you’re really, really terrible at whatever it is you claim to be doing now.
How I Saw the Kete Breakup Coming
If you thought I was annoying before: I accurately predicted the breakup of Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson roughly 24 hours before it was announced, and, no, I’m still not shutting up about it.
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